Heck, who am I fooling? It's been a month of ups and downs.
The worst part of coming out of depression was becoming reacquainted with my feelings. Theoretically, I knew they were still there, but buried deep under the layers of 'it's too hard to care' and 'there's no room to care' that I found myself laboring under.
Late on rent? who cares?
All by yourself when something traumatic happens? who cares?
Write a book that people love but can't seem to get the word out? who cares?
I'll tell you who cares: everyone who was there when that experience sent you spiraling. Everyone who read that book you put so much time into, and everyone who tried so hard to reach you, but you couldn't see them or they just didn't know how.
There are more carers out there than the people lost to depression can see.
And now that I'm starting to reach for myself again, I can finally see them.
And it's been a trip on the emotional roller coaster.
So many things have happened, little things that really don't make a huge impact on life, but sometimes they hit you just the same.
A friend lost someone close to her and it hit me, not because she was grieving and going through a real tough spot, but because I still was.
Someone else close to me moved and now I don't know when I'll see them next.
Work is getting very stressful, too many people leaving or changing their schedules, and filling these shifts has become a full time job in and of itself. Leaving me to fulfill the worst shifts since someone has to be 'in charge'. (Yeah for being a trained shift leader)
But the worst has to be the snow. It's April and Spring is supposed to be here. Jack Frost has had enough fun, and the Easter Bunny needs to be able to move to keep out of sight of the kiddies.
But for every down emotion, there has been an up.
Even though my friend is finding her way through the grieving process, I have found some solace. Everyone is so supportive and there are so many who have felt that loss that we formed our own support group.
The box and the button is a great way to look at grief. Somewhere out there in internet land is a theory about grief. Grief is a button on the side of a box. Inside the box is a ball called loss. Everyday this ball rolls around, hitting the button randomly. At first, the ball is huge, taking up most of the box. It hits the button all the time, sending the floodwaters of grief pouring out. But over time, the ball shrinks. It still bounces all over the box. It's not something you can ever get rid off, but it hits that button less and less. However it does hit and it's completely random. It could be a song, a story, a smell, etc, whatever that triggers it, but as the ball shrinks, so does the times it hits the button. Today, my ball maybe more bouncy than usual, but I know tomorrow will be different and it helps me get through my day.
While work may be getting more stressful, it doesn't seem to get to much in the way of life, for those who have a life. (I'm not one of them, btw)
But the highlight of my week was the huge response I received for my newest book. I've done a cover reveal and have sent the draft out to most of my Beta Readers. The jitters are now from whether they like it or not. I'm very hopeful that the book launch itself will be very successful.
You want to see it? OKAY!
So now I have a new book coming soon.
I have a great group of Beta Readers.
I have some new friends and didn't lose many of the old when I moved.
I have some new skills that are awesome!
And I have a few emotions I'm learning to control again.
Right now my roller coaster is riding high from my book release.
How high are your roller coasters crusing?
'til next time,
And as always...
Happy Reading
Shannon
